After we spoke on the phone yesterday I became nervous about what would happen when I actually saw him for the first time since September. However, despite the anticipation, I managed to sleep quite well, and waking up this morning I was no longer nervous. I knew that it was just something I needed to do. It was more factual than emotional, and I knew I would be okay after all was said and done.
We made plans via text to meet at Duboce Park Cafe and go from there. Once again I was going towards him, and it didn't surprise me when he was over 10 minutes late. I think that was the only time I was a little anxious, wondering if he just wouldn't show. But soon enough, I recognized his gait from a mile away and watched as he slowly made his way towards me. He stood on the corner across the street from me, which I took as my cue to walk towards him. Seeing him standing there looking incredibly uncomfortable made me realize I was over him. And also that this might be harder on him than me, not because of an emotional attachment (he was never that into me), but because he had no idea how I was going to act. He had no clue if I would yell and scream or cause drama. He actually was incognito, probably afraid someone would recognize him while he was getting bitched out by a girl.
But, perhaps to his surprise, I didn't behave that way, though part of me was hopeful he knew me well enough to know that I don't typically cause scenes, except apparently while drinking bottomless mimosas.. I said hello, smiled, then opened my arms wide for a hug, after which he proceeded to give me a most awkward embrace. Regardless, it was my way of saying, essentially, no hard feelings.
We walked for a little while to find a bench that was a bit more secluded. He barely said 10 words the entire time we were together, but he let me talk, which is all I wanted. Whether he was listening or just zoning out, I'll never know. He only made eye contact a few times, one of which was after I told him to take off his ridiculous sunglasses. The few times he did talk, he said directly he was never looking for a life partner. He said he alluded to this several times during our relationship, and that I just didn't want to hear it. I told him this was true and that I take full responsibility for my role. He never did explain his behavior in September, when he wrapped his legs around my waist, held my hands and looked me in the eyes while he poured his feelings out to me for 20 minutes. He never apologized for his behavior or for the mixed signals he sent, only saying he was sorry that I felt the way I did. He said at one point that he did care, but that I overanalyze everything and jump to inaccurate conclusions as a way of rationalizing things.
And while all this is partially true, it doesn't change the fact that he too played a role. A role that he's not willing to own up to yet, as indicated by his statements that placed more of the blame on me. I fully admit my faults and I already know that I have grown so much from this situation. My only hope is that someday he will also look back on this as a learning lesson, and that he too will grow. Hearing him talk the way he did was further evidence that he is not someone I want in my life, and it made me even more convinced that I am over him.
So goodbye, Chris. I hate what you did to me, but despite the pain you caused me, part of me will always love you, even if it's a version of you I created in my head. Thank you for meeting with me and allowing me the opportunity to say goodbye and end things on my terms. And thank you for granting me one photo, since I refused to allow my longest relationship to have no proof of existence, other than our reflection in an aquarium glass.
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