the blame game

Yesterday I was speaking with a friend of mine who is going through an a situation very similar to my own, to the point where the resemblance is actually uncanny. I truly believe she was brought into my life to act as a mirror so that I could more clearly see my situation from an outsider's perspective, and ultimately to help me process through layers of self reflection. I know she feels the same, and I know in her I have a life long friend.

As we were speaking, it was obvious that she was going through what I had just gone through - she was playing the blame game. It's amazing how good we are as females at rationalizing things. Classic over thinkers, we analyze endlessly until somewhere we find that small glimmer of positivity that makes everything okay, or at least justifiable. I know I did this countless times in my relationship. "Oh, X can't make it to the dinner party, he has to prep for his work trip." Or, "X cancelled our date because he was sick." Or, "X missed my birthday because he fell asleep early" (yes, these are all statements I told myself and friends, even the birthday one.)

Excuses, excuses.

But when it comes to our own behavior, we don't really make excuses. We chastise ourselves. I didn't do this right. I should have done this better. Maybe if I did this, then that wouldn't have happened. Why is it so easy to make excuses for the other person but only blame ourselves?

This is something I have been struggling with. I can't hate my ex, though I've tried. In fact I still love him and likely always will on some level because that's how my heart works. But for so long I was only blaming myself for the dissolution of our relationship. And what I've come to realize is that this was 50/50. He was part of the problem, and so was I. I acknowledge his faults in this; he did so many things wrong that it is almost embarrassing to admit, including lying, cheating and just generally leading me on. He hurt me worse than anyone I have ever met in my life. But that is on him. That is something he will have to live with.

That said, I also have to take responsibility for my actions, and not by blaming myself. I allowed this behavior to happen and accepted it for too long. I bent over backwards to try to make things work with a partner that wasn't willing to meet me halfway. I taught him to treat me like a doormat. And that is on me. That is something I will have to live with.

I cautioned my friend to try to avoid the blame game. Yes, take responsibility for your part, but also give your ex his share of the responsibility, too. This is not one sided. You both got into this relationship, and you both got out of it. Placing all the blame on yourself (or even all on him) is neither a healthy nor accurate view of the situation.

This same friend sent me an article back in early November (about a week after "the day my world collapsed"), and while it had countless a-ha moments in it, one that struck me most was this:

If you look back on your life, you'll realize the most painful times have also been the ones that taught you the most. There are some lessons we don't want to learn, some we'd do anything to give back. But we don't get to choose. Our power lies in our response to what it is that we're given.

Responding by playing the blame game is not powerful. What is powerful is acknowledging your part and learning the lesson. Power is putting forth the effort to not repeat the pattern. Power is moving forward.