I've been having tearful moments daily (this is no exaggeration, and incredibly embarrassing to admit) for 3 months. The reasons for my tears ranged from a sense of rejection (he choose the other woman over me), a sense of unworthiness (he told me "I hope you find someone more down to earth," which made me feel like he was better than me, or I wasn't good enough for him), a sense of betrayal (he lied to my face and cheated on me), to a sense of disbelief (how could I have been such a poor judge of character, as I truly believed he had a good heart), a sense of disappointment (in myself, for lacking self respect; I taught him he could do no wrong by always forgiving him, and he took advantage of this and walked all over me), and finally a sense of anger (not at him, but again at myself for blatantly ignoring the red flags and getting myself into this situation.)
But today was a culmination of all of the above. Waterworks would be the best way to describe it. I sulked for the rest of the day, periodically slipping into smaller bouts of misery, finally showering around 4pm as I was meeting a friend for dinner and a show. I pouted while getting ready, frowned while riding MUNI and BART (I even went completely out of my way so I didn't have to walk down the streets he and I used to stroll arm in arm), and I'm sure looked incredibly sullen while eating dinner.
Eventually it was show time, so we made our way over to the historic Victoria Theatre to see the opening night performance of "Golden Girls: The Christmas Episodes," a drag show we stumbled upon last year and vowed to return to. Now, if you know me at all, you know I am a major GG fan and honestly believe it was one of the greatest shows ever created. I was looking forward to a pick-me-up and a little distraction. As soon as the opening "Thank you for being a friend" tune began, it was like a weight was lifted. I can't really explain it. But I found myself swaying to the music, singing along (softly, as I can't sing to save my life), clapping, and gradually I felt a smile forming. I even managed several LOLs. It was like magic.
But it was during the episode "Rose the Prude" that I had my lightbulb moment. The premise is that Blanche has arranged a double date and ropes Rose into tagging along. Well, Blanche has a snagged a dud, while Rose and her date hit it off. The main story goes on to focus on Rose, but it was a scene with Blanche that really hit me. Blanche is upset that her man was not into her, and she feels old and unattractive and states she'll never date again (this is partly comic relief, as we all know Blanche dates more men than humanly possible). It is Dorothy, always the voice of reason, that points out everything that Blanche has going for her. She has her looks (eh hem, her health), her job and her financial security, and most importantly friends and family who love her.
*Lightbulb*
Even though this was something I knew about myself - I am a great catch, I do have a lot going for me - seeing it acted out in front of my eyes was another matter all together, and apparently just what I needed. It was then and there that I decided I can't waste any more energy beating myself up over a man who does not deserve my time. I am only hurting myself in the process. I can't promise I won't shed any more tears, or that I won't have moments of weakness and doubt, but I know that I need to move forward.
Leave it to the Golden Girls to set me straight.
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