Spent today meeting up with friends in NYC. Slightly bad timing because my friends that live in the city were away for the holidays; the folks I met up with are actually some of my closest friends from SF that like me happened to be in the area visiting their families. Regardless it was good to see them and experience some holiday magic, since (at least according to my mom) I seem to be lacking in that area this year.
We spent the day elbowing our way through Times Square, which is basically the worst place to be any time of year. We walked through Bryant Park and discovered an ice rink I had no idea was built annually. We finally made it to Rockefeller Center to see the tree. It truly is a beautiful sight and always makes me feel a wee bit nostalgic for that holiday spirit. That said, a few minutes here was enough because I can only feel claustrophobic for so long. We cut across the avenues towards Lexington and jumped on the subway to Union Square. The college students were on break and it would be one part of the city that wasn't completely overrun by tourists.
Settling into a cozy nook complete with fireplace at Shoolbred's in the East Village, I got to thinking about the friends we choose to keep in touch with and those that we let go of. Since I move all around the country, I've had the opportunity to meet a lot of people, most of which have been pretty cool. But I'm at the age now where I know some of these people are only meant to be in my life temporarily, and others will be lifelong friends.
How do we decide who stays and who goes? I think there is probably a combination of factors that go into the equation. Gut feelings play a large role for me; there are some people I just know I will always be in touch with, no matter what time or distance comes between us. That said, a few of my gut feelings have been wrong in the past. One of my closest friends in Seattle was someone I felt I had known all my life and someone I thought would be a forever friend. But as soon as I moved, he dropped off the face of the earth. I had to accept the fact that it was out of sight, out of mind.
This brings me to the second factor, mutual contact. When I was in my early 20s, I used to take it very personally when people didn't try as hard as I did to keep in touch. I put a lot of effort into maintaining friendships that were obviously becoming one-sided, and it hurt my feelings. Eventually, and this probably came with maturity and a shift in priorities, I made the decision that if someone wasn't going to meet me part way and all of the work to maintain contact fell on me, then it probably wasn't worthwhile. And so those people gradually faded out of my life. It's not that I didn't care about them or that I don't care to know what is going on in their lives, but when we came to the fork in the road of our relationship, we chose different paths. And that's okay. What I learned is that by letting go of those people, I made room for others, a few of which have become some of my closest friends to date.
I've also come to realize that it has been way easier to let go of these temporary friends than it has been to let go of past loves. While I'm friends with one of my ex-boyfriends, and I still feel in my gut that I will again cross paths with another, I know the others are out of my life forever. Maybe it's due to the physical nature of a partnership (let's face it, I don't sleep with my friends), but it's hard to just walk away, even when logically I know it is the reality. Accepting that someone you spent so much time with and gave so much of your energy to is relegated to your past is difficult. But why should we hold onto the past, especially when it can cause us to miss out on our future?
The concept I learned with my temporary friendships, that by letting them go I've opened myself up to meeting others, is one that I strive to learn with my exs. Sometimes people come into our lives for a moment, sometimes longer. Either way, we should cherish these people for having an impact on us and for enriching our life experiences by their presence. It's certainly not always rainbows and butterflies, but they've helped mold us into the people we are today. For better or for worse.
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