My brother and I have a good relationship now, but it wasn't always that way. In fact, when we were younger, we pretty much hated each other. I'm not sure exactly when the mutual feeling of animosity began, but I can think of several incidents and generalizations that, at least from my point of view, made me dislike the little guy.
First of all, I am the big sister. I had been the only child until he came along a mere 11 days after my 3rd birthday. It is true that I don't remember much of my childhood, so I can't say for sure that I was treated differently before and after he arrived. I also don't know if I was excited to have a little brother or not. But I'm sure in some way the dynamic changed. It always does.
Then he had to go and get sick. I'm talking really sick - like in a hospital nearly dying sick. Jeff had Kawasaki disease, and it was scary. It also meant all the attention was on him and I think it was the first time I realized that I would have to act out to get noticed. As an adult, this seems ridiculous and I don't know what I would have done without him (as he is now my source of sanity when we are both home) but as a child I'm sure this didn't even occur to me.
We were both sheltered kids. We couldn't cross the street without an adult. We weren't allowed to watch MTV or ever stay home alone. While my friends were watching 90210 and shaving their legs (and my now ex-boyfriend started having sex, so weird to think about) I was still watching Nickelodeon and playing with my American Girl dolls. OMG we were so sheltered. But after my brother recovered, he was definitely even more overprotected. He didn't have to do anything around the house, and pretty much got any toy he ever asked for. So while I had multiple chores, and thanks to Catholic schooling, a ridiculous sense of duty, he rarely had to lift a finger and developed a strong sense of entitlement.
On top of that, my brother is cleverer than I am, so when he did actually get put in charge of a single chore - taking out the garbage - he negotiated an allowance. Years went by before I even knew this. He had been PAID. I never was.
In addition to being cleverer, my brother is also way smarter, at least in the intellectual sense. I do pride myself on having more street smarts and more worldly experiences, humph. Sure he did homework and studied, but not like I did. I had to work really hard to get my A's. They came naturally to him. Yes I learned the value of hard work, blah blah blah, but I'm old enough now to know that it's not just hard work that gets you places - it's luck and connections.
As we got older, my parents started loosening up on the reins a bit. At least with him. Maybe it was because I came first and they were still learning. Maybe it was because I am a girl. But the things he was allowed to do in high school never would have been considered acceptable for me. He never had a curfew and could stay out late, sometimes not coming home and crashing with friends. I also never had a curfew, but it was because one wasn't needed. I was so guilt-ridden that I actually couldn't do "wrong." Total goody-goody, I know. When I turned 21, my mom still told her friends "my daughter doesn't drink." To which one replied, "Lin, she's been in college for 4 years, of course she drinks." Now compare this to the fact my mom was the mom buying my brother beer in high school. See the difference?
The final major point of contention was that Jeff never had a job during the school year. He did work (very hard, I'll add) as a short order cook at the beach during the summer. But I started working in eighth grade teaching dance lessons, a job I continued through high school. I maintained a job all through college, working in catering at my school and then eventually in retail off campus. I even held down 3 different jobs simultaneously in grad school while completing an intensive doctoral program. He never worked in college.
I think all this contributed to a build up of resentment. We had the same parents, the same genetics, but were raised completely differently. For a long time I held this against my brother. But what I've come to realize is that it wasn't his fault. Sure, he should take responsibility for his actions and behavior now, like when he only calls when he needs something. Or the fact that he can be really selfish and self-centered at times.
But he's my brother. He's the only family I will have when my parents are gone. I've seen both of my parents have strained relationships with their siblings. I don't want that with mine. As I mentioned earlier, he is often my only source of sanity at home, and I know he feels the same about me. He comes to me for advice now, and I'm happy to report I also greatly value his opinions. I'm hopeful that despite our differences we can remain close as we continue to navigate through life.
I'm glad I have a little brother.
No comments:
Post a Comment