31 days.. day 27

Day 27: Sprinkle in some seeds

Ok this seems like an easy enough one. I've only relatively recently discovered that you can use flax seeds as a way to substitute for eggs while baking in order to make something vegan. They were a bit of a pain in the butt though, as I had to figure out how to grind up my flax seeds without a grinder and also while preventing them from turning rancid. I'll give you a hint, chopping doesn't work well.

I don't have much knowledge of or experience in using hemp seeds, though I guess they are also becoming more common as I'm starting to see them in the stores. But man are they expensive!

I think I'll stick with chia seeds.. not as pricey as hemp, and you don't have to grind them up the way you do flax. I found this helpful table online to use as as quick comparison, though another google search suggested some slightly different numbers. Either way, chia seeds are a fair source of supplemental protein and omega-3s, a good source of fiber, and relatively low in calories. And all you have to do is sprinkle them on your oatmeal.

31 days.. day 26

Day 26: Ready, set, row

I have always enjoyed rowing more than running. Certainly for me the elliptical is the easiest of the cardio machines. Next up probably the bike. But the rower and I are better friends than the treadmill for sure.

During my freshman year of college, I briefly trained with the Crew team with the goal of trying out for coxswain since I don't quite fit the physique of a typical rower. But alas, that didn't last long. I couldn't handle the 5:30 AM runs to practice. Not because of the early hour; because I'm not a runner.

Once I started doing CrossFit I was reintroduced to the rowing machine. We use it often as a warm up, or as the cardio aspect when it's too cold or rainy to run outside. And though I enjoy it typically, I'm still a sprinter and burn out quickly when it comes to doing anything over 1K distance. It's one of the many times in my life I have wished for longer legs!

31 days.. day 25

Day 25: Engage in "healthy" gossip

I hate gossip, so I'm not sure how I feel about the title of this post, though I can appreciate the thoughts behind today's challenge. I've said this before, I really make an effort not to judge people though of course it happens, consciously or not. But ever since the 5th grade, when friends of mine played a really cruel prank on me, it taught me that it's never a good idea to talk poorly about someone. You see, a friend of mine (Trisha) called me on the phone. At first it was just a casual conversation, but it quickly turned to the topic of another friend (Annie). Trisha started going on and on about how annoying Annie was, and how she dressed funny. And she had a big nose. And after every statement, she would say something along the lines of "don't you think?" Now, I remember so vividly feeling uncomfortable, and likely my heart rate increased then the way it has now just recalling this memory. But, I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel like I fit in. So I eventually began to agree with Trisha's statements. Yes, Annie was annoying. Yes, she sometimes dressed funny. Yes, she had a big nose.

Well, Annie came on the phone and said, "thanks a lot, Allison, I thought you were my friend" and hung up. She had been with Trisha the entire time. They bated me and I fell for it.

Now, there are a few lessons to be learned here. One, kids are mean, this is nothing new. They do mean things to one another, play tricks on one another, bully each other. Nowadays cruelty is more in the public eye than ever with the advent of social media, though statistics show it's actually no worse, it just takes a different form.

But had such an incident happened to me today as an adult, it would have taught me a few more things. Primarily that these people are not my friends nor are they the kind of people I want in my life. I don't have the energy to keep such folks around and would rather give my time to the people I really care about, and who really care about me. Secondly, there is something to be said about not following the crowd. My gut was telling me something was wrong; I was so uncomfortable. But my desire to fit in was stronger than my will to resist, and I paid for it with years of guilt. I haven't spoken to either of these girls since I moved to a new school district in the 7th grade. Not because of this incident but because people fade away. And yet I can still recall it like it was yesterday.

The article recommends gossiping as an end to justify the means. "To defend others when you see people acting selfishly or exploiting others." And I guess I would have a hard time sitting back if I heard incorrect accusations flying around about someone I knew. But to turn around and spread gossip about the perpetrator? I just don't see how that would help the situation. Why not just speak up and provide the correct information?

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

31 days.. day 24

Day 24: Be even more specific

While this post on msn focus mainly on fitness, I think it can easily be applied to life in a broader sense. Certainly as a P.T. I know the value of making specific goals, not only for my patient's benefit, but also to ensure the insurance companies will reimburse for my services. Instead of making the goal: "patient will walk better," the goal of "patient will ambulate 500ft on uneven surfaces with single point cane, no loss of balance and modified independence" is much more specific and an ultimately more helpful way of documenting progress. That way, when the patient walks 150ft the first week with his walker, and builds up to 250ft the next, and then begins to use a cane the next, we have objective evidence that he is indeed making gains.

As for the big picture, I think being specific about life's general goals is also helpful for the same reason: it lets us determine if we are moving towards our goal, stagnating, or even worse - totally falling behind or going in the opposite direction. No matter what the outcome, it allows us to take a set back and analyze our progress so that we can choose to either stay the course or make necessary changes to our action plans to get us back on track.

I also think documenting a goal or vocalizing it to others is a great way to hold yourself accountable. It's part of the reason why I set new years resolutions and am sure to tell someone about it. It may be partially because if I say it then it's real. I think it also has to do with a deeper issue - that I'm more fearful of disappointing others than disappointing myself. That said, it's something that I'm currently working through in my Oprah course.. trying to let go of the perfectionist, people-pleaser in me. But ultimately in some respects telling others does give me a better chance of accomplishing the goal that ultimately will make me a better me.

One thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I never really vocalized what I wanted to get out of the relationship with my ex. I can say in some respects this happened with the "love of my life" in Boston as well, in that I never really said how I felt or what I wanted.. I assumed it was understood. It clearly wasn't in either relationship - in the Boston case the guy never felt I was even interested, let alone had fallen in love with him. In the case of my current ex, it's a little different. I did make the effort to say what I wanted - I wanted to be in a committed, monogamous relationship and I wanted him as a partner - but I didn't get the point across. Instead, I accepted his behavior when he treated me like a casual fling for a year and a half, and I never stood behind the ultimatums that I gave. He grew to assume I didn't really want anything serious, or at least he used it as an excuse to justify his less than desirable behavior.

This can apply to life generally, too. I don't really have a five year plan, but I guess I know the kinds of things I would someday like to achieve. Like, I do want to find a life partner to grow old with. I do want to own a home and have somewhere to feel settled. I do want to stay involved in healthcare as a profession, even if it's in a different capacity than my current role. I do want to own a dog. I do want to feel like my life mattered.

Now this is not to be confused with my wandering nature, in fact I think it compliments it greatly. As my tattoo explains, not all those who wander are lost. Maybe my lifestyle doesn't make sense to most, I can understand that. But just because I've been floating a little doesn't mean that I don't have goals I wish to meet. And they are fairly specific, other than the time line. In real life, insurance companies want a time line. They want to know how long it will take for Mr. Jones to walk those 500ft. So I tell them, four weeks. But to give myself a time line - which many people say is crucial to achieving goals - seems like I would be untrue to myself. Part of my life is grounded, but most of it is not, and to say "I want to find Mr. Right within three years" isn't me. Maybe it will happen in the next six months - maybe it'll take six years. I don't know. But I do know that when it happens I'll be ready.

31 days.. day 23

Day 23: Set the table

This one is almost comical, considering that I barely even got a chance to eat today. So, day one of my new job and I'm already feeling anxious and mild trepidation. The nature of home health is supposed to be one of flexibility, setting your own schedule, loads of paperwork but less patients to see in a day. It's not supposed to be hard or draining. But unfortunately it often is for me. Likely because I end up caring too much and sacrificing my wellness for the sake of others.

Like no pee or lunch break.

To set the table to let me feel more relaxed, to focus on my food and avoid overeating sounds like a grand plan. Except I eat in my car and I'm normally shoving down whatever food I can between clients so that I get home at a reasonable hour.

Pretty sure this one will be a BIG MISS for me. Sorry Day 23.

31 days.. day 22

Day 22: Meditate (yes you can!)

This is a habit that I've totally fallen out of. And I hate that because I am all too aware of it's benefits.

For me, meditation is not just something yogis do, as the article alludes to. And it's not just about making my mind go blank and checking out. It's about digging into the most inner parts of me, finding my center, and finding my peace. It's not spiritual in a religious sense, but it is spiritual in the way that it allows me to connect with my soul, which is what makes me, me.

I first learned to meditate when I was in the sixth grade. Granted, it was part of our "cool down" in a dance class, and I didn't know it was meditation at the time. But looking back, it clearly was - we would lay on our backs, lights off, and our teacher would walk us through each body part in our minds, starting with our toes and working our way up to the top of our heads. She would guide us to focus on each part, one at a time, and release the tension that part held. It never seemed strange to me that I could actually feel the energy moving through my body. The best way I can describe it is a warm, tingling sensation. I never felt more relaxed or grounded than after those cool downs.

It wasn't until high school when I discovered what we Americans think of as yoga (mainly postures and poses) that I learned more about meditation and began to pursue it on a daily basis. Yoga was never about sweating and getting a good workout; it was always about that deeper connection, and meditation was my vehicle. Even if it was only for 10 minutes a day, it would help me hit the reset button. And it helped me to get through some of my hardest times.


As I look ahead to my job starting tomorrow, and the new life that awaits me in Denver, it's a good reminder that I need to restart my practice. After several months of feeling aimless and more uncertain than I ever have in my life, I hope that I can tap into that always present source of stability to give me back my inner peace.

31 days.. day 21

Day 21: Pump up your probiotic intake

I've been hit or miss with the whole probiotic movement. Back in 2007 when I first started having major digestive tract issues, I looked into taking a daily probiotic to see if that would help calm things down. It really didn't, and for years I tried every elimination diet I could think of. Dairy, gluten, soy.. you name it, I cut it out for a time. But nothing seemed to work. In 2010 my doctor and I finally decided a colonoscopy was in order. I underwent the procedure on my 28th birthday, what a joy! Mind you, neither of my parents who were in their 50s and 60s had had one yet.. I also had allergy tests retaken. Nothing really came up as truly problematic, though wheat did come up as a sensitivity.

So I tried the dietary changes again and this time was uber strict about going gluten free. That was during the beginning stages of the gluten free fad, so in a way the timing worked to my advantage. I was incredibly careful about what I ate. This was also around the time I discovered CrossFit and though I will never eat paleo, the gluten free diet did help my performance since I was largely avoiding processed foods anyway.

And it worked! I'm sure a large part of it was stress related, but after a couple months on the diet I found myself thinking more clearly, not breaking out as much, and most importantly not feeling bloated and experiencing other GI symptoms (which I will kindly avoid sharing with you here.) The best way I can describe it was like a fog had been lifted. You know those allergy commercials where the screen is blurry and then they take the medicine and - whoosh - everything is crystal clear? That's how I felt.

I was very strict for about 2 years, and then found myself cheating here and there by year 3. I noticed as more time went by, the more sensitive I actually became. For example, when I did cheat by having that one slice of pizza or that one beer, it was payback time for weeks. Prior to being so strict I was able to have that one slice of pizza now and then and be okay. But it seems I was training my gut to not be able to tolerate gluten at all. Which frightened me because I do love beer, and I didn't want my sensitivity to turn into a full blown allergy. By the end of year 3 I decided to tempt fate a bit and start to add gluten back into my diet more regularly. Initially it was rough, but now that we're into year 4 I can say that I can enjoy a beer now and then without destroying my gut. But forget about having a pizza AND a beer.. that's still asking for too much!

Back to the probiotic thing.. I know there are benefits. And I have a bottle of pills left over from a previous year that I should probably think about taking again. I'm just happy that my gut and I are once again friends.

31 days.. day 20

Day 20: Accept a compliment

I love love love this suggestion! And it comes at a time when I need a much needed pick me up and reminder to stay the course. You see, I was supposed to have started my new job today but found out at the eleventh hour that I would not be since my license has yet to come through. We knew that would be a possibility, but figured they would start the orientation process anyway. Nope. Ugh. I'm now concerned that it might be a while before I get to start working, as I thought they only had orientation once a month. My recruiter has reassured me this is not the case and as soon as my license comes in I will be able to start.. I guess I'll believe it when I see it.

Anyway, back to the post! Why is this so hard for people, particularly females, to do? Interestingly enough, I have decided to make this my "skill" new years resolution this year. Every year I make two resolutions: one that will better my life in some way, and one to learn a new skill that will keep my brain from turning to old mush. Last year it was to get my personal finances in order, and learn to knit. In some respects, this year's "skill" will also most likely better my life (as the article points out) but I'm keeping my other resolution (to find a therapist and really start working on myself) as my main focus.

I think the article hits the nail on the head when it says "accepting a compliment is not narcissistic" because I think that is many people's fear. They're afraid they will sound conceited or full of themselves if they don't answer in some self-depreciating way. From a very young age, I can remember observing how my mom could never accept a compliment. If my dad said "nice job on dinner, Lin" she would immediately respond with 50 things that were wrong with it. And I think we mirror those around us.

Why shouldn't we be able to accept compliments? We do tons of amazing things every day; we should be able to be recognized for them. I'm sure none of us would hesitate to compliment a friend for doing an amazing thing. Or comment on her cute sweater or new hair style. I think we all should take today's lesson to heart and learn to acknowledge our attributes.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite recent youtube/comedy central finds, it's brilliant.

31 days.. day 19

Day 19: Curl up with a book

I have done so much reading during my time off, it's not even funny. Definitely thankful for my Kindle because it's allowed me to effortlessly download books and read through them at my pleasure. I got on a Malcolm Gladwell kick and plowed through his newer releases. I must say I enjoyed Blink and Outliers a lot more than Tipping Point. Next up is David and Goliath!

But I've read some other books too. Mainly working on my Oprah class reading and also managed to finish Wild: Lost and Found on the PCT. I loved that one and highly recommend it to anyone who's going through a transitional time. It was funny, insightful and inspirational. My SF book club read The Circle, and while the online synopsis didn't really intrigue me, after hearing their discussion on the book (which I attended and tried to partake in as much as I could) made me want to read it anyway.

So you can see why I really like this day's suggestion. It sites a study that says just 6 minutes of reading a day can relieve more stress than going for a walk or listening to music. This works wonderfully for me as it seems reading is the only thing that can take my mind off my sadness and really fully distract me. Music merely reminds me of my ex in a way only music can. Upbeat songs remind me of the good times, sad songs remind me of the not-so-good. Of course this happens to me (and I'm sure many others) every breakup. I will go months at a time without listening to music. I love NPR anyway but it usually is the only thing I can stand to hear on my radio. In fact, I haven't even turned on my car radio since I've been living in CO. I did however find CPR on my bedroom clock radio so I have something to wake me up in the AMs.

As for the walking, well I haven't done much of that lately. Just moving into my apartment and going back and forth between Denver and my friend's home in Broomfield to try to settle in. Plus, I haven't been able to climb a set of stairs without becoming winded, so I think it'll be a while before I adjust to the elevation and can actually go walking again!

I guess I'll keep on reading.

31 days.. day 18

Day 18: Brain dump for better sleep

This has me written all over it. In fact, I really need to buy a small notebook to keep by my (future) bedside table because I'm constantly plagued by thoughts, positive and negative alike. I've always envied those who can fall asleep almost instantly and are expert nappers. It takes me around 30 minutes or more to fall asleep, even when I'm totally exhausted from the day. Naps therefore have eluded me; it takes so long for me to fall asleep that by the time I do, nap time is over and I should be back to whatever project I had been working on.

I've accepted the fact that I'm not a napper. I've also accepted the fact that I'm a poor sleeper. I can count on one hand the number of times I've woken and actually felt refreshed.. it's like, oh yeah - that's what a good night's rest should feel like. I've considered looking into taking a sleep aid, and have tried over the counter products like melatonin capsules. I can't say they really made a difference, so perhaps it might be worthwhile to try a prescription. My fear is that I'll wake up groggy or will become dependent upon them. I don't want to become dependent.

What I really need to learn to do is turn off my mind because that is what wakes me up. Sure, if I'm in a new environment then yes it may be new sounds or different lighting. Or if it's really really cold or really really hot then I will be more likely to be restless. But more often than not, it's my mind. It runs all the time, and it's no wonder I'm always tired. Like, actually fatigued. I'm not one to complain, so I go about my day and my job the way I would if I wasn't tired. And it's a bit like my chronic neck pain - I've had it so long, I forget how it feels to be pain free. I always have a low level headache, so that's become my norm. Same with sleep. I always have this low level of fatigue; it's my norm. I don't know any better, except when those rare great sleep nights happen and I'm reminded.

I'm going to try this notebook thing. I thought journaling in this blog would help in that regard too, but I think it's actually working against me as I'm trying to write coherent and thoughtful things, rather than just rambling on about the first thing that comes to mind. I'll try to remember to report back if successful!

31 days.. day 17

Day 17: Tidy up

l admit, I'm a bit of a neat freak. At least when it comes to my personal belongings. It's odd that other people's messes don't really bother me. My previous roommates in Boston (Jenny is one of my best friends, and she wouldn't be offended by my saying this) and both of my roommates in SF, as well as my ex, are incredibly messy and unorganized people. Sure they'll go through cleaning fits, but generally speaking stuff is everywhere. I remember how frustrated my ex would get when he was in a rush to get somewhere and he couldn't find something.. he would get so angry, f-bombs all over. And when I'd try to help he would get more frustrated, so I learned to just shut up and watch him toss his room until he found what he was looking for.

The article mentions that the average person spends 55 minutes a day looking for lost things. That's incredible! That means that some people, like myself, spend far less.. but there are others, like my mom, who probably spend way, way more time searching for items. I'd personally rather spend that time doing something enjoyable. Maybe it's my logical brain that thinks "a place for everything, and everything in it's place." But it just makes sense to me.

One advantage I have is that I move regularly, and as a result, I'm constantly purging items that I really don't need anymore. There's no reason to fill precious space in my car with items I no longer want. And purging things can be one of the best feelings in the world. Rarely have I regretted giving an item away - though it has happened once or twice. More usually, I forget I ever owned it, probably because I really wasn't using it anyway.

So I can already check today's task off the list! And after yesterday.. I think I need an easy one.

31 days.. day 16

Day 16: Do a quick yoga flow

Gosh, this 31 days to a fitter, healthier you is trying to kill me. All the reminders of things that I used to do on a regular basis, but somehow life got in the way and I've fallen off track. Including my yoga practice. If this article has any truth to it, then I think I can handle 12 mins a day to lower my stress levels.

And boy, do I need it more than ever today.

My drive was going well overall. I certainly had my moments of sadness and anxiety related to the unknown road ahead, but I was feeling more hopeful and certain that I had made the right decision to leave SF. Then I got a text that threw me a curve ball I didn't see coming. My friend Melissa, the one I had been living with for the past few months, had tried to call me but I missed it, so she sent a text.. "guess who I saw last night?"

I knew the answer immediately.

You see, Melissa's favorite neighborhood to hang out in is the Lower Haight, which is where my ex lives. And my ex rarely leaves his neighborhood, though I'm sure he goes to Snooki's hood more than he ever came to mine. Regardless, I knew Melissa had seen him, and more likely them. And when I called her back, she confirmed she had seem them together at Maven, a upscale trendy cocktail and small plates joint. So of course I peppered her with questions.. how were they acting? Were they all lovey-dovey? What did she look like? What were they drinking? And Melissa doesn't sugarcoat anything. She tells it like it is, and so I got the cold, hard truth.

Oddly enough, what effected me the most was her answer to 'what was he wearing?' because what she described was not my Chris, it was an impostor. This Chris was wearing a red plaid button down long sleeve shirt, nice jeans and no ball cap. My Chris owned white, black and gray t-shirts, one pair of jeans, a couple black bootcamp hoodies and a few pairs of khaki hiking pants. My Chris doesn't own a red plaid shirt, and my Chris doesn't go out without his black ball cap.

The reason this effected me so greatly was because it was clear that he was acting differently for her when he never would have considered that for me. He was dressing differently for her (or letting her dress him). He was obviously showering after work because they were going to nicer places rather than the cheap burrito joint down the road. And it broke my heart all over again.

I held it together for the most part, at least initially, I think because I was in shock. I couldn't even picture what he would look like wearing anything red. But when I hit the "Welcome to Colorful Colorado" sign, a wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. It hit so hard in fact that I had to pull over; I couldn't breathe because I was hyperventilating and I couldn't see because I was crying so hard.

The reasons are multifold. For one, the obvious: Chris is changing for her. He obviously likes her in a way that he never liked me. I've known this for some time, but I guess part of me was still hopeful that their relationship would only be some short lived thing. Secondly, until that point, their relationship had only been in my head or on FB. Having one of my friends witness it made it real.

But the other reasons were deeper. It hit me that this was not a road trip. Driving through Nevada, Utah and Wyoming was like an adventure. Driving through Colorado was like, this is actually happening. I had reached my destination. It wasn't some far off idea anymore. It also finally hit me that I had left SF. For good. And those emotions I was expecting to feel when I crossed the Bay Bridge into Oakland finally caught up with me. In that moment I knew that I wasn't going back to SF and that it would likely be another Boston for me - a place I loved, but a place in my past. It hit me that I had left some of the best friends I had ever made. I had left a neighborhood and an apartment I adored.

And it hit me that it had been my decision to leave. Sure, my ex was a large part of it. I mean, if I could be that emotional hearing about seeing Chris and Snooki together, I can't imagine how I would feel if I actually saw them together. And if Melissa could run into them, then so could I. But ultimately, I left because I knew on some level that I wasn't supposed to be there and that something was leading me elsewhere. I can only have faith that things happen for reasons we sometimes can't explain. And despite feeling mildly lost, I can only go with my gut.

But I will just keep breathing in.

31 days.. day 15

Day 15: Lend a hand

Not many things can give you an instant feeling of satisfaction like when you do good for others, and studies show it not only makes you feel happy but it also has a positive impact on your health. Sure, maybe we should be more altruistic and not think only of what we can get out of the experience. But it's a nice side effect.

I used to volunteer all the time and I regret that I haven't been as active in my giving as I'd like. I think that it may be time to switch that up and despite wanting to do good for the sake of doing good, I think I could use a mood booster. I'd love to join a bigger organization like Big Brothers, Big Sisters, or even do something more long term like tutoring kids, but unfortunately I don't know how long I'll be anywhere. It would be good to get reacquainted with Habitat for Humanity or women's shelters, which were my two prime areas of interest in college. Maybe I'll start small and join a meetup first.. soup kitchens and food pantries are always in need of assist.

Either way, when I get to Denver, I think it'll be time to stop procrastinating (isn't that what we just learned in day 12?) and join something.

31 days.. day 14

Day 14: Say goodbye to little white lies

I'm pretty sure this title should be "Say goodbye to little white lies, and little white liars." I am 100% a firm believer in telling the truth. It might be because I went to Catholic school and they instilled a sense of guilt in me that doesn't allow me to lie. I still remember the shame I felt in the 4th grade when I was called out in front of the entire class for forging a signature on a test in which I received a poor grade.. scarred me for life. Though I know many others that went through similar schooling and do not have that same sense, so I'm sure it's also partly just my nature. But I seriously have an incredibly difficult time telling lies. It actually causes my blood pressure and heart rate to become elevated. My palms will sweat. It is a true physiological stress response. In fact, just typing these words out is making me anxious.

So how is it that some people can lie so easily? Is it because they don't have a conscious? How can it come so naturally to them? Do they feel any guilt?

These are questions I've asked myself over and over, especially when it comes to my ex. He lied to me so so many times, often directly to my face. And I just can't seem to wrap my head around the concept of looking someone in the eye and with supposed sincerity, tell a non-truth or a flat out fib. I think it's a major reason in why I stayed as long as I did. The red flags were there, and I had my suspicions. But I was naive to the fact that people could so blatantly lie to others. It wasn't in my life experience, and so I chose to believe him because people just don't lie like that.

Lesson learned: they do.

This post comes at a very significant time. Today I left my heart in San Francisco. I packed up, locked the door of my friend's apartment for the last time, and headed east towards the next chapter in my life journey. I didn't cry the way I expected to, though when I drove across Fillmore St I compulsively touched my passenger window and said my final goodbye to Chris in my heart. Goodbye my little white liar. I can only hope one day you won't have such power over me anymore, and that we both find the happiness that we deserve.

31 days.. day 13

Day 13: Forgive and forget

Oh how incredibly important this one is. And one that I really need to remind myself about daily. Forgiveness truly is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Whether showing forgiveness to someone who has wronged you, or more often than not, showing forgiveness to yourself, the act reveals incredible strength of character. It certainly is not easy and we seem hard wired to initially default to a state of resentment. But holding that resentment (as the article and personal experience knows all too well) is devastating to the body in terms of physiological stress.

Some people hold grudges. I can't say I'm generally one of them. I forgave my ex after about 5 hours of anger in which I pounded out a 1000 page letter that was full of mean and nasty statements, all true though perhaps without tact. After I the rage left my body I felt an incredible sense of calm, though that feeling was very short lived because I almost immediately dug myself into a hole of disappointment in myself. How could I forgive my ex so easily for lying to me, cheating on me, totally admitting to using me, and ultimately blaming me for everything (he never even apologized, which I still find shocking) and nearly 4 months later I have yet to forgive myself.

Logically I know that it takes two to tango and we both were responsible for our parts. I take full responsibility for mine, and perhaps as a result I'm finding it incredibly difficult to not beat myself up about my mistakes. I've called myself an idiot on multiple occasions. I've been questioning my worth. My self esteem has been completely demolished. How could I have possibly gotten myself into this situation? In some respects I almost feel like I deserve the punishment, which leads into the role shame and guilt play in my life.

I've just started an online course called "The Gifts of Imperfection" (courtesy of Oprah) by Brene Brown and it's giving me insight into thoughts and ideas that I have been suppressing for a lifetime. I'm hopeful that it will help to set me on the right path to healing, and help me find a way to forgive myself.

31 days.. day 12

Day 12: Tackle your to-do list

Unlike yesterday, I totally can buy into this one. I'm not a procrastinator naturally, but there are certain things that I will let wait until the last minute. Especially during times when I have no set schedule or structure to my day - like now. I manage my time much more efficiently when I am busy. Maybe it's because I'm a planner, but if I know I only have an hour next Tuesday to complete a certain task, I'm far more likely to do it than when I have 3 weeks of completely open space and feel no real sense of urgency.

The article states that procrastination increases stress, and we all know what effects stress has on a body. So why do we wait? Is it because the rewards of watching that tv show have a more immediate sense of gratification (oh, I'm finally getting to relax after a busy day!) then the far off rewards of completing some task that is way less fun (oh.. taxes.) I'm sure the reasons vary but I have a feeling that our I want it and I want it NOW society might be a big reason as to why we procrastinate.

So, check this one off my to-do list: catch up on my blog.. as I've been procrastinating. A lot.

You know what else I've been procrastinating on? My upcoming move to Denver. Some of it was circumstantial.. you can't control the weather, and I wasn't about to drive directly into a major snow storm. And certainly I didn't plan to chop off part of my finger on Friday (part of the reason this blog is delayed.. that's what you get for attempting to shave your legs. A $900 ED bill.) But I think a large part of it is that I'm scared. I love SF, but I know I just can't emotionally handle being here right now. It's far too hard and I just need things to be easy for a little while. But the thought of leaving tomorrow is mind blowing.

So Tuesday it is.

31 days.. day 11

Day 11: Leave worries in the locker room

I'll be honest, I'm not sure I agree fully with this one. The msn article cites a study that basically says when you try to do physical and intellectual tasks simultaneously, you end up doing neither very well. I cannot seem to locate the actual study that is cited, but I found a similar one that says the same thing.. that mental demands negatively affected muscle activity.

Okay, so basically don't try to solve the world's problems whilst doing split jerks. Got it.

I won't argue with the research and I get the point. But I don't necessarily think that it's a bad idea to work out your issues while exercising. In fact, when I'm exercising, at least while running, I find I am able to work through mental road blocks that have been harassing me for days on end. Or if I'm upset about something, the physical nature of the activity helps me off-load some aggression. The endorphins that are naturally released during exercise help lift my mood. By the time I'm done, my mind is clearer and I feel more content. Maybe it's just me, but I doubt it.

I also would like to point out other studies have shown that exercise can improve cognitive function, like this one that shows physical activity improved math scores (but not spelling or reading, which I find interesting), and this one that shows physical activity can help prevent age-related cognitive decline.

I guess the point is don't attempt both at once. Now if only I could learn how to turn off my mind, then I think I'd be in business.

31 days.. day 10

Day 10: Give yourself a hand (no, the other one)

Oh, mindless eating. You bastard you. I guess I'm not a huge snacker in the general sense. But if I'm watching a movie or if I'm trying to write notes and feeling particularly stressed about it, then I definitely will reach for a bag of goodies. My trick is to not purchase them in the first place, but sometimes you just really want a snack, so I tend to have at least something in the house, but bury it deep in the cabinets so it's not as easily accessible.

Sure, some snacks are better than others. I'm not a huge potato chip person, definitely prefer the popcorn. I can't stand the smell of Doritos or Fritos, so they are never around. I do have a fondness for Totstitos with a Hint of Lime. Seriously, the first time I tried them I thought they were totally nasty, but they grew on me and now are a guilty pleasure. But I go for the sweet stuff more than the salty, unless it's, as my ex called it, my special time.. god I will never forget that and how it made me laugh..

I digress. The article mentions eating with your non-dominant hand, and I think that could be a very good coping mechanism for those over snackers out there. If it's harder and more awkward, you're definitely less likely to keep doing it. But the trick will be to remember to use your non-dominant side to begin with. If mindless eating is indeed mindless, then what's to stop you from mindlessly using your dominant hand? I guess the answer would be that whenever you notice you're using your dominant side, make the switch. It's all about creating awareness. That, or just sit on your dominant hand.

On a different yet related note, I think it's a good idea to practice things with your other side anyway. If you ever have a stroke then at least you'll be better prepared!

31 days.. day 9

Day 9: Take a breather

Being in healthcare I know very well the benefits of deep breathing. I instruct my patients in the correct technique all the time, and I try to make a point of doing it myself. Though recently I have fallen off the wagon. For simplicity sake, I'm going to use a direct quote from the msn article, because I can't explain the benefits any better:

"Breathing from your diaphragm can help reduce blood pressure and heart rate, decrease levels of stress hormone, boost immune system functioning, reduce stress and anxiety, promote better sleep, and enhance physical energy."

Yeah, yeah, we know. But next I will direct quote the negative effects of shallow breathing:

"Small, shallow breaths that use muscles in the chest (rather than the diaphragm) can result in an excessive emptying of carbon dioxide out of the blood, which can lead to a variety of possible issues, including anxiety, fatigue, muscle aches, headaches, heart palpitations and even insomnia."

That's what ultimately got me when I read Day 9's post.. I felt like the article was describing me personally. I have been so anxious, I haven't been sleeping, I've had no energy. And while most of that is a result of the emotional turmoil I've been experiencing, I know very well that some of those symptoms are within my power to control or at least manage. And I've been doing a rather poor job in recognizing that.

This is a wonderful reminder for me (and hopefully for you, too) to take the time to BREATHE. I really need to get back into my meditation routine as well, but stopping a few times a day to breathe will be a good start.

In closing I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes of all time. It is part of a song lyric by Stephen Kellogg.. "but I will just keep breathing in."

31 days.. day 8

Day 8: Watch comedy clips on youtube

I'm not one to peruse the web on a very regular basis. I don't have a smart phone. I've deactivated my FB account because, well for one, I was cyberstalking the shit out of my ex and the woman he cheated on me with and I was making myself miserable, but it was also generally taking up way too much of my time. Time that I would rather spend doing something active outdoors or even reading. Something that would stimulate my mind rather than contribute to making me (and, I believe, our world) dumber. I don't have Pandora or Spotify. I don't use Reddit, though my brother is constantly telling me of it's merits. I obviously use the internet. I check my email. I'm writing this blog. I recently signed up for online dating (jury is still out how I feel about it). And I check the headlines on nbcnews.com because I want to make sure I haven't missed anything major in the world. But the bulk of my time is not spent online, or at least I make every effort to live in the real world as much as the real world allows.

That said, I will fully admit that whenever my friends email me a funny clip from youtube or similar site it usually makes my day. It is one of the rare times that I miss FB because those funnies are the kind of things that I looked forward to in my newsfeed. Unlike the countless baby photos, engagement shots, and updates of "I have the best husband/wife EVER." I mean, please. Even when I'm in a happy relationship it makes me want to barf a river.

Back to the topic at hand.

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I am a firm believer in that notion. When you laugh you can't help but feel good, even if everything around you is going to pot, and even if it is only a temporary reprieve. My friend sent me this clip the other day and it immediately cheered me up. Enjoy.

31 days.. day 7

Day 7: Call your mom

So this is a topic near and dear to my heart. It's no secret that my mom and I have a mildly strained relationship, and it's also no secret that for years we have been trying to make amends. It's even been my new years resolution in the past: to work on my relationship with my mom. I went as far as buying "The 5 Love Languages" so we could read and discuss, and suggested counseling. I finished the book and gained great insight; my mom only got through the first chapter or two. And we never saw a counselor. Ah well.

I see my friends and how they interact with their mothers.. at times falling into their parent-child roles when needing assist or advice, and on other occasions viewing their moms as friends. I definitely long for a closer relationship with my mom, but the older I get the more uncertain I am that it will ever happen.

Anyway, today's post is about calling your mother, and it sites a study out of the University of Wisconsin-Madison that shows just hearing your mother's voice can lower cortisol levels (that would be the stress hormone) and elevate oxytocin levels (that would be the love hormone). I find this fascinating, as for me it can sometimes have the complete opposite effect. Whenever I'm home, I actually can feel my blood pressure rising. My pulse quickens. I feel nauseated. I can't say that my stress levels are being reduced. They are in fact increasing. I hate that I have such visceral reactions to being home, but I guess years of coping have created a Pavlov's dog type response.

Despite this, there are times when my mom is the only one I want. I guess it goes back to the feelings we develop as kids that mom can always make things better. I just wish this was more consistent. Perhaps it's time to try, try again to attempt to build a relationship. Or at least a healthier one.

And with that, I guess I'll go call my mom.

31 days.. day 6

Day 6: Spend today writing down everything that goes into your mouth

After the gluttony that is a typical holiday season eat-a-thon, this piece of advice may very much come in handy, though realistically it can be difficult to do. Most people assume they have a pretty good idea of what they eat in a day, but in actuality most would be shocked to see exactly where their calories are coming from and how much they overeat in a period of time. I know I'm completely guilty of this and have told myself countless times "starting tomorrow, no more chocolate" only to fail miserably.

But I think keeping a food diary is a big step towards taking responsibility for our actions, a concept which can be applied to almost any aspect of life. What we think we do and what we actually do can be two very different things. Facing our tendencies to wear rose-colored glasses when it comes to justifying our behaviors is critical, and journaling is one of my favorite ways to take a step back and look at things from an outsider's perspective. It all comes down to creating mindfulness.

31 days.. day 5

Day 5: Evaluate your "friendships"

Wow, this could not have come at a better time. Spending the past week reconnecting with old friends in Boston and contemplating my pending move to Denver (which means leaving the amazing people I've met in SF) has really got me thinking about the concept of friendship and its role in our lives.

The dictionary defines friend in several ways, including a patron, a non-foe and even a Quaker. But the way that best summarizes what I want to talk about today is the first definition: "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard." A friend is someone we cherish in our lives, and with any luck the feeling is mutual. Some friends are with us temporarily, some are with us for life, but either way friends are people who have an overall positive impact on our lives.

Friends come in all shapes and sizes. Some are close friends, some are more like acquaintances. Day 5's blog post is encouraging the reader to be mindful of the number of online friend requests they accept and points to studies that show larger social networks are associated with higher stress levels. It also encourages the reader to defriend those that are only considered acquaintances (I know, I know.. networking. But hear me out) and even to disconnect from social media all together if you find yourself constantly feeling stressed.

I can relate to this last point, having recently deactivated my facebook account. I fully admit the first two weeks were challenging and I did go through withdrawals. However, now that it's been over 3 months, I can't say I miss it. Sure there are times I wonder what is "trending" or what the latest viral video is. I probably have missed a few evites to various events. At times I'm even curious to see how all those babies are growing up. But ultimately I think I'm in a better place for not being on.

We live in a world that bombards us with constant information and it's contributing to rising anxiety levels. Just look at the newly coined term #FOMO (fear of missing out.) This is a real thing. We worry that by putting our iphones away for an hour long dinner date we'll miss out on something the online world deems important. But is that cat video really that crucial? I'm pretty sure grumpy cat is grumpy because no one even has a life anymore.

Or what about the tendency to determine self-worth based upon the number of FB likes you receive, or the number of retweets your post gets? We are instilling in people that validation can only come from how many people follow you and it's making us depressed. Look at this AMAZING selfie I just took while eating this AMAZING ice cream cone at this AMAZING beachfront location! We see that and we're instantly envious of what they have. If only I had that ice cream on that beach, then I'd be happy, too. But what we fail to recognize is that most people only post the positives, skewing our perception of the norm. We forget that sometimes things aren't so great, but because all we see are posts about my AMAZING (blank) we think there must be something wrong with us because we don't have that all the time.

Things brings me back to what this post is about.. evaluating friendships. If a "friend" (or their posts) is/are making you feel down about yourself, it's probably time to reassess their role and if they're truly having a positive impact on your life. Friends are our chosen family. We determine who is in our lives and who isn't. Sure, some come and go, but they should all help you along your journey to becoming a better person.

Some food for thought. I'm not sure either extreme is good, but pairing down your friend list or deactivating for a while may be the ticket you need to get your priorities back in alignment. I know it's greatly helped me realize who I want to make the effort to keep in my life, and who I am ready to let go of.

31 days.. day 4

Day 4: Move more outside the gym

So this is an interesting concept when it's 8 degrees out. The only moving outside I'm doing today is a quick dash between the house and the car. But of course the article is more about moving generally. We are among one of the most sedentary cultures around. We sit for our jobs, we sit when we eat, we sit when we watch TV or read. It's no wonder we are in the physical shape we're in.

There is so much research that advocates for more time on our feet. Not only for calorie burn, but for spinal alignment, bone density, circulation and blood sugar management. Any google search will reveal a bunch of articles and opinions about this topic, mainly from manufacturers of things like this:

But let's go to a reputable source, the Mayo Clinic. Here is a great summary of the harmful effects of sitting too much. What I find most fascinating is the fact that sitting not only contributed to obesity and metabolic syndrome, but it's effects were independent of other risk factors, like smoking. This means in theory that a smoker who stands regularly for his job could be as healthy as a non-smoker who sits all day for his. Huh.

This is one of the reasons I always love working in a hospital - you are on your feet all day. You're climbing stairs between floors, squatting and kneeling to help your patients, you even often stand at a wall-mounted computer to do your notes. My upcoming switch to home health will be a change for sure. I'll just have to work a little harder to incorporate other ways of moving into my day.

31 days.. day 3

Day 3: Cultivate gratefulness

This is a topic I love talking about and is something that I constantly strive for. In fact, back in 2010 my new years resolution was to "be more positive". After the awful year that was 2009, I found myself generally in a depressed mood, feeling down about so many things and constantly focusing on the negative. So I decided no matter what that I would take something not-so-positive that had happened and try to see the silver lining.

This of course led to a more sunny disposition overall. Sure I may have burnt my dinner, but I now knew how to properly use a broiler. Maybe I got stuck in traffic, but I got to hear the conclusion of some interesting NPR program that I would have otherwise missed.

This forced positivity also led to some really fake moments as well. I mean, why should everything have to have a silver lining? Why should you have to pretend to be appreciative for a shitty situation? Sometimes things are just bad. Period. And to not acknowledge this is equally as delusional as saying "everything in my life sucks" when you live in a white middle-upper class neighborhood. #firstworldproblems

The reason I really like this concept of cultivating gratefulness is because it's not actually about turning a negative into a positive, as my new years resolution attempted to do in 2010. I had it backwards. What it really means is taking time to remember an experience that made you HAPPY and acknowledge it. That way, when a negative thing does happen (and it will), you will cope better because you are already aware of the fact that positive things ALSO happen. It's not about ignoring the negatives but facing those situations head on and remembering that their occurrences are not any more frequent than the positives. It only feels like it because negatives hurt.

With that, I am recalling a recent event that did make me smile. The memory alone can still warm my heart despite feeling down in the dumps now. And I will try to more frequently acknowledge the fact that for every time I felt really really bad, there were plenty of times I felt really good.

31 days.. day 2

Day 2: Munch on mushrooms

Fortunately I love mushrooms, and fortunately there were mushrooms in the house to cook with, so my dad incorporated them into our evening meal. Check one off the list for the 31 day challenge to a fitter, healthier me (I still haven't had the mineral water, but will get it at the airport for my flight back to SFO.)

Mushrooms, according to the article, are considered a super food due to their anti-viral and anti-cancer effects. The article goes on to recommend eating one a day - just like a vitamin - for an easy way to boost your immune system. And apparently the type of mushroom doesn't matter, so go ahead and pick your favorite variety. I'm not sure I would eat one every day, but I wouldn't mind increasing my intake overall.

The mention of the term "super food" got me thinking about the concept of dietary needs, nutritional benefits, and what actually constitutes a food as being super. A quick google search reveals hundreds of hits from various experts and pundits, all of which list different so-called super foods. Some lists are so extensive they seem to include every veggie and fruit known to man, which in my eyes defeats the purpose of making a distinction between any. According to WebMD (a fairly reputable source) here is a list of 10 everyday super foods, most of which appear at the top of the other lists I've seen, or at least one of their close cousins has. For example, one list may say kale whereas another list may choose spinach - basically make sure there's a dark, leafy green around.

So what is a super food? It's one that multitasks: it fights disease, fills you up without excess calories, and is versatile and therefore easy to incorporate in everyday meals. Makes sense to me. Though it also seems there is always some fad in the dietary world.. in my lifetime, eggs have gone from good to bad and back to good again. Now people are even raising their own chickens.

Which brings me to my final point: "super food" is really just a clever marketing term. It's not widely used in actual scientific communities because not enough research has been done on the individual foods themselves, though this may change in time as there is more interest, or more likely more profit, to be found in the area. I'm a firm believer in a well-balanced diet. Period. You can eat all the sweet potatoes you want, but if you're not eating anything else, you probably won't feel so super.

a january challenge.. 31 days to a fitter, healthier you

So I came across this article today while perusing my news headlines. Of course the title, "31 Days to a Fitter, Healthier You" caught my attention. I can use all the help I can get this year. I decided my blogs this month would be centered on whatever topic or piece of advice or challenge was the focus of each page of this article from Shape, and I would let my thoughts go from there. Some will be more reflective topics than others, but I think it will be nice to not have to work so hard to come up with something to say that wasn't automatically about my ex. It's a new year, and I truly want to leave him in 2013 (I've even deleted his number from my phone, though I wish his email address wasn't so easy to remember.) So here goes, and here's to new beginnings 2014.

First up: Switch to mineral water.

I'm not sure exactly what to say about mineral water, other than it tastes like any other water to me. I'm a big fan of the environment, so my preference is definitely to refill my Nalgene or stainless steel bottle with tap water and go about my day. Water is my beverage of choice. I'll only crave a Dr. Pepper when I'm driving long distances, I don't drink coffee though do like tea, and of course I enjoy an adult beverage here and there. But really, it's almost always water for me.

However this blog entry got me thinking, and I did my own research on it. The link between aluminum and Alzheimer's disease has long been known. A study published in 1999 followed a cohort of elderly folks for 8 years and was able to establish a link between high concentrations of the neurotoxin and the development of Alzheimer's dementia specifically. Conversely, they found that a higher concentration of silica in drinking water was associated with a decreased risk of dementia overall. This begs the question, why aren't we drinking more silica in our water?

Here's a link to an abstract of a study just published in the Journal of Alzheimer's Disease (and the inspiration for this blog entry) which builds off the already established link by showing it might actually be possible to reverse the effects of cognitive impairment by drinking mineral water. And this I find fascinating. I'm all about prevention. I firmly believe if there were more incentives for taking care of ourselves and more healthcare dollars spent on preventative medicine that we wouldn't be in the pickle we're currently in, trying to treat an entire country of obese diabetics with heart disease.

However, I'm also a realist and I know while we might be able to (and most definitely should!) start incorporating preventative medicine with the younger population, we're already past that point with the older population. The damage has been done, so to speak. And with the boomers now officially entering old age (yes, old is technically anything over the age of 65, as harsh as that sounds), these issues are only going to intensify. So if there is a way to slow the progression, or even possibly reverse, the effects of dementia, we should jump on it. Please note, I am not advocating for finding the fountain of youth and firmly believe we spend way too much money on end of life care in this country because we are so afraid of death. I just hope further studies are done on this area. I'm curious to know if the effects are temporary or longer lasting, and what other parameters might be involved.

I'm also very much aware that purchasing mineral water is cost-prohibitive for some. The study gave participants 1L to drink daily. A quick search on Amazon shows that a 12 pack of Volvic 1L bottles costs $49, that's $4.08 a piece, not including shipping. Fiji is slightly more affordable at $2.08 a piece. Tap water is almost free in comparison. But maybe it doesn't have to be consumed daily to have an effect.. maybe a couple times a week really is enough. Again, further studies really need to be done.

In closing, I know I can turn this blog into a rant on the state of healthcare in this country, but I will spare you my soap box today. Here's to a healthy and happy new year for you and me.

the first

This is a poem, for lack of a better term, that I wrote back in 2009. It was a year very similar to 2013. I was at such an emotional low point that I knew it really could not get much worse, and the idea of a new year and a new start was the only thing keeping me going. It was the only hope I had. I wrote this in Japan, where I spent my xmas and NYE. 2010 was full of promise, and while it too had it's sad points and challenges, it was nothing compared to 2009. So while I wasn't praying at a shire this year, choosing instead to watch the fireworks display from a rooftop in Boston, I'm hopeful that 2014 can hold the same promise.

"The First"

it's the last month

of a year

i never thought would end.

it's the last week

of a month

in which i grew even more conflicted about you.

it's the last day

of a week

i tried to put as much distance as possible between us.

it's the last hour

of a day

that once held such significance for me.

it's the last minute

of an hour

i spent in the freezing cold, to pray at a shrine for peace of mind.

it's the last second

of a minute

i couldn't wish more for you to be with me.

it's the last..

..and then, in an instant, it's the first.