31 days.. day 16

Day 16: Do a quick yoga flow

Gosh, this 31 days to a fitter, healthier you is trying to kill me. All the reminders of things that I used to do on a regular basis, but somehow life got in the way and I've fallen off track. Including my yoga practice. If this article has any truth to it, then I think I can handle 12 mins a day to lower my stress levels.

And boy, do I need it more than ever today.

My drive was going well overall. I certainly had my moments of sadness and anxiety related to the unknown road ahead, but I was feeling more hopeful and certain that I had made the right decision to leave SF. Then I got a text that threw me a curve ball I didn't see coming. My friend Melissa, the one I had been living with for the past few months, had tried to call me but I missed it, so she sent a text.. "guess who I saw last night?"

I knew the answer immediately.

You see, Melissa's favorite neighborhood to hang out in is the Lower Haight, which is where my ex lives. And my ex rarely leaves his neighborhood, though I'm sure he goes to Snooki's hood more than he ever came to mine. Regardless, I knew Melissa had seen him, and more likely them. And when I called her back, she confirmed she had seem them together at Maven, a upscale trendy cocktail and small plates joint. So of course I peppered her with questions.. how were they acting? Were they all lovey-dovey? What did she look like? What were they drinking? And Melissa doesn't sugarcoat anything. She tells it like it is, and so I got the cold, hard truth.

Oddly enough, what effected me the most was her answer to 'what was he wearing?' because what she described was not my Chris, it was an impostor. This Chris was wearing a red plaid button down long sleeve shirt, nice jeans and no ball cap. My Chris owned white, black and gray t-shirts, one pair of jeans, a couple black bootcamp hoodies and a few pairs of khaki hiking pants. My Chris doesn't own a red plaid shirt, and my Chris doesn't go out without his black ball cap.

The reason this effected me so greatly was because it was clear that he was acting differently for her when he never would have considered that for me. He was dressing differently for her (or letting her dress him). He was obviously showering after work because they were going to nicer places rather than the cheap burrito joint down the road. And it broke my heart all over again.

I held it together for the most part, at least initially, I think because I was in shock. I couldn't even picture what he would look like wearing anything red. But when I hit the "Welcome to Colorful Colorado" sign, a wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. It hit so hard in fact that I had to pull over; I couldn't breathe because I was hyperventilating and I couldn't see because I was crying so hard.

The reasons are multifold. For one, the obvious: Chris is changing for her. He obviously likes her in a way that he never liked me. I've known this for some time, but I guess part of me was still hopeful that their relationship would only be some short lived thing. Secondly, until that point, their relationship had only been in my head or on FB. Having one of my friends witness it made it real.

But the other reasons were deeper. It hit me that this was not a road trip. Driving through Nevada, Utah and Wyoming was like an adventure. Driving through Colorado was like, this is actually happening. I had reached my destination. It wasn't some far off idea anymore. It also finally hit me that I had left SF. For good. And those emotions I was expecting to feel when I crossed the Bay Bridge into Oakland finally caught up with me. In that moment I knew that I wasn't going back to SF and that it would likely be another Boston for me - a place I loved, but a place in my past. It hit me that I had left some of the best friends I had ever made. I had left a neighborhood and an apartment I adored.

And it hit me that it had been my decision to leave. Sure, my ex was a large part of it. I mean, if I could be that emotional hearing about seeing Chris and Snooki together, I can't imagine how I would feel if I actually saw them together. And if Melissa could run into them, then so could I. But ultimately, I left because I knew on some level that I wasn't supposed to be there and that something was leading me elsewhere. I can only have faith that things happen for reasons we sometimes can't explain. And despite feeling mildly lost, I can only go with my gut.

But I will just keep breathing in.