31 days.. day 13

Day 13: Forgive and forget

Oh how incredibly important this one is. And one that I really need to remind myself about daily. Forgiveness truly is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Whether showing forgiveness to someone who has wronged you, or more often than not, showing forgiveness to yourself, the act reveals incredible strength of character. It certainly is not easy and we seem hard wired to initially default to a state of resentment. But holding that resentment (as the article and personal experience knows all too well) is devastating to the body in terms of physiological stress.

Some people hold grudges. I can't say I'm generally one of them. I forgave my ex after about 5 hours of anger in which I pounded out a 1000 page letter that was full of mean and nasty statements, all true though perhaps without tact. After I the rage left my body I felt an incredible sense of calm, though that feeling was very short lived because I almost immediately dug myself into a hole of disappointment in myself. How could I forgive my ex so easily for lying to me, cheating on me, totally admitting to using me, and ultimately blaming me for everything (he never even apologized, which I still find shocking) and nearly 4 months later I have yet to forgive myself.

Logically I know that it takes two to tango and we both were responsible for our parts. I take full responsibility for mine, and perhaps as a result I'm finding it incredibly difficult to not beat myself up about my mistakes. I've called myself an idiot on multiple occasions. I've been questioning my worth. My self esteem has been completely demolished. How could I have possibly gotten myself into this situation? In some respects I almost feel like I deserve the punishment, which leads into the role shame and guilt play in my life.

I've just started an online course called "The Gifts of Imperfection" (courtesy of Oprah) by Brene Brown and it's giving me insight into thoughts and ideas that I have been suppressing for a lifetime. I'm hopeful that it will help to set me on the right path to healing, and help me find a way to forgive myself.